What I would like in a man

Inspired by another person’s blog…

1. Be employed. Making money that takes care of him, and if he has kids, his children

2. not to religious.. Loves God but isn’t a freaking fanatic

3. Have self worth. Self-confidence. Be able to feel good about himself and not need others approval.

4. Be assertive. Be able to say no.

 5. Be honest and live as transparently as possible.

6. Be his OWN person.

7. Deal well with stress/ pressure. Not break down if things go wrong. Not immediately going to alcohol and then getting depressed and stuff

 8. Get on well with others. Be sociable and friendly but not a total people whore in constant need of making more friends.

9. Firm handshake. Good eye contact. Personal magnetism.

 10. Positive mental attitude.

 11. Want others to be successful and happy.

12. No dependence on drugs, alcohol etc.

13. Take care of body. Enjoy hiking/walking or other forms of exercise.

14. Intelligent. I don’t mean necessarily having 3 masters degrees. But have some life experience.

 15. Be able to teach yourself new things. Not rely on others to teach you.

16. Good discussions about religion/spirituality/ politics/ social dynamics/ sex.

17. Healthy attitude towards money. Not need money from an ego standpoint. But want success and freedom.

18. Not willing or wanting to live off of another being, a moocher is out of the question

19. Healthy attitude toward sex. No religious or other damaging beliefs about sex.

20. Plays an instrument.

Sad little unrealistic dream…

I go between wanting him to get hurt just as badly as I was to hoping that she makes him happy.  From wanting there to be a connection between us that he cannot deny to wanting to just forget about him.

I now know who she is…

He texted me out of the blue last week while I was at work.  I dont think he has the right to act like it is all normal and shit.  I now hold my breath every time I receive a text.  I now shake my phone and beg for it to ring in the hopes that he has decided that I am worthy of a text.  I hate him for that.  I wasnt even thinking about him when he texted it.  I think I was moving on and now… now I have to start again.  Could he tell that I was moving on… could he tell that within his supposed connection to me.  I sometimes wonder if we are connected and if I went to a secluded place and screamed my torment out loud would he feel/hear me in this connection.  And if he did would he care or would he shove it under the rug and curl up next to his new girl that he loves…

Good luck, good riddance, hope it works, hope your feeling that you will end up alone in the end is true, hope you come back to me, hope is fucking bittersweet, fucking hope there will be no love and no end to this insanity of wanting someone who never wants you back… and that is the story of my life.

Why yes it can get worse…

May has really pulled out all the stops on being the worst month ever.
Told a guy I loved him.. he stoped talking to me
Got disappointing news from the doctor.
Got bit in the face by my dog (broke skin) had to use antibiotics
Had two moles removed (f’ing doctors)
Made bad decisions like sleeping with my ex again.
and now looks like I have a yeast infection and my period just started.
Oh and lets hope my eye doctor appointment doesnt bring more bad news.
FUCK IT ALL!!
Someone just shoot me now.

My life is nothing but mistakes…

So far all I have to account for is a past full of mistakes and fuck-ups.
Have I done anything right? I don’t think so.
I was not popular in school.
I gained too much weight.
I wore sweat pants in high school too many times to remember because jeans felt uncomfortable on my fat stomach and waist.
I didn’t have many friends.
I had problem with depression.
I dropped out of college after two years.
I had crush after crush on guys who never returned my feelings.
I didnt have a relationship or go on a date till I was 29.
I didnt have sex till I was 29.
The first time I had sex was a one night stand and we didnt use protection.
I then went on to sleep with a person who I was sorta seeing at the time and he turned out to be selfish in bed.  I only had sex with him because I was curious about it but I wasnt really interested in him.
I then hooked up with a 19 year old pot head for a short short time.
I then hooked up with a man slut (worst decision ever in my mind).
I then got into my first long term relationship which lasted only five months. I knew that I didnt love him but I got swept up in the whole relationship thing.
After I broke up with him I have gotten back with him just as friends with benefits two different times.
I fell in love with a guy online after chatting with him for one month.
He disappeared and wont tell me why and now I feel broken for the first time ever.
I am thirty and have no boyfriend, no husband, no children, no real amazing job, gained back some of the weight I lost, am now smoking again, and I feel like a complete failure.

Maybe just maybe this will change and I will learn better. I know I wont fall in love so easily again. I know I wont go around sleeping with random guys again (learned that one after the fourth guy..ewwww) (which is why when I really need sex I call my ex.. I know bad bad bad me). I know what I need to do about my weight but I am letting my sadness and depression over life right now be a hindrance.  I know I need to quit smoking but I am also using the excuse that life sucks right now so I’ll just smoke this last one or last pack. 

I know I dont want to be in a relationship right now I just want friends to hang out with.

Maybe just maybe I am learning from my mistakes but I hate that that is my legacy.

Delete…

So I guess I finally came to the end of my rope of hope or stupid pathetic hole of hope, however you want to look at it. No response to my last email asking him to please at least explain what happened so that I wouldn’t be so left in the dark and hopefully it would help me heal faster. No acceptance of my friend request on Myspace six days later. Nothing… So I delete and try to move on. I cancelled the friend request. I deleted all email correspondence from him back when he actually cared and from me begging him to explain. I have yet to delete him from my phone because of the smallest amount of hope that one day he will contact me and I may need to know who the number belongs to. One day could come… maybe…
I deleted him from my myspace favorites so that I wouldnt be able to go over and see if he had logged on. And eventually I will forget his yahoo messenger name, (I deleted him from that a week ago).
I know that eventually it will get better but right now it still sucks.

One Day……

I need a good slap in the face or kick in the butt to boost me out of my sadness

I dont want to do anything… but eat and veg and watch tv and veg and smoke.
I need to get over this. I know I do.
Yesterday was the 15th… one year anniversary of his heart surgery and I sent him a text that I had planned on sending him a week ago. Later that day he was nice enough to reply. I was actually able to get several replies to texts that I sent last night to him. It just made it so much harder. I should just let him be. He doesnt want me. I dont understand why he was into me as much as he was and then nothing. Was it all an act? It just confuses me. I would give anything to go back and stop it from ever happening…. or to erase my memory.

Porn a great way to get your mind off of the guy you want but cant have…

So I miss him.  I think about him all the time.  I went to kmart the other day and right in the middle of trying to find something I realized, oh shit he works in a kmart and now I am thinking of him again.  I need a break.  A break from seeing a blueberry pie and thinking of him, seeing a cookie and thinking of him, seeing an add for enchaladas and thinking about if he would like it if I made my mothers recipe, of being online and unable to stop myself from looking to see if he accepted my new friendship request on myspace and if he had logged on that day, wondering how he is doing, how his heart is, how his kids are, missing our conversations, and generally going FUCKING INSANE.

So how do I combat this insanity?  I started looking at porn again. It works.  I can go about 30 minutes or more without thinking about him if I am trolling the internet for free porn.

Makes me laugh my ass off.

Amazing ending to the worst week ever…NOT

So it doesnt matter anymore.  He defriended me on myspace and later after I texted him saying he could have at least had the courage to tell me it was over like I asked he told me it was because he wasnt online much anymore and he defriended all the hottie app friends.  So I was only a hottie app friend?  Well let’s just say that I got pass out, throw up, bawling my eyes out, pee in my pants drunk last night.  Didnt even eat dinner.  Drank half a bottle of goldschlagger and sobbed.  I sent a text to my ex asking him to help.  I needed it because I was in no condition to take care of myself last night.  When he came I was passed out on my bed with no pants or underwear on because I had peed myself while I was throwing up.. pathetic, I know.  It was 11pm and I didnt realize that I had passed out for three hours.  I dont even remember talking to him on the phone or how I got into bed.  Last thing I remember is laying on the living room floor.  He got me a glass of water and aspirin and eventually I ate two pieces of white bread at 2am in the morning (more then twelve hours since the last time I ate). 

This morning I woke up and I am still woozy.  Feel like shit because I chain smoked the rest of my pack of cigs while I was getting drunk and sobbing my ass off.  I hope I didnt disturb the neighbors because I happened to be on the back porch while I was caterwauling.  I felt better after a shower and I ate my breakfast and then I did something stupid.  My dog Oscar gets a bit protective sometimes and I got to close to his head with mine while he was doing that this morning and he bit me in the face and broke skin.  I feel like I keep getting slammed down over and over and over again.

I did love him, I did and now nothing.. nothing.. nothing..

Being crushed and lonely can make you do desperate and stupid things…

I booty called my ex last night.  I couldnt stand another night staring at the computer and phone hoping, wishing and praying that he would contact.  I dont know why, or maybe I do, he decided to drop off the face of my world leaving me in complete darkness but he did.  I needed something to distract me from my misery and pain and so selfish as it was I texted my ex asking him if it would be ok if we got together.  We did, I picked him up from a bar at 1:00 am because he had too much to drink and couldnt drive (I sure can pick ‘em).  I drove dangerous and as fast as I would allow myself home so that we could fuck.  Got home and by that time my brother had gotten back from where ever he went, I hope he didnt see who I dragged in.  We plopped down on the bed and before I could beg properly my panties were off and he had his face deep in my crotch.  We were at it for hours.  He just had one that wouldnt quit probably due to the alcohol… so he didnt get his happy ending till this morning when I woke him up for morning sex.  I missed having it in me sooo much or I should say a  human in me because his finger made we want to just keep on going even while I slept.  I know it was stupid and I know I am just giving him false hope but I was selfish and I told him that.  I wanted/needed sex and a distraction and I didnt want someone new… I wanted a reliable source and he was it.

So chastise me to the full extent I deserve it.  I couldnt stop from thinking about him while I had sex either or right before falling asleep or right when I woke up or…. I don’t want to believe that he has really gone to this extreme of not even signing into myspace to avoid me but what other thing could it be.  I sent him a text yesterday asking him to please tell me if he wanted me to stop texting him and he didnt reply (again).  So I am taking the other road and I will stop contacting him.  If he really wants to remain knowing me he knows where to find me.

 

ps. I am actually wearing a neck handkerchief because my ex gave me the biggest darkest sorest hickey on the side of my neck that make-up did little to hide, damn-it-all

Not sure what to do…

Advice needed…

If you haven’t read the last two blogs of mine here is an update.  I have been chatting, video chatting, texting and talking on the phone to this guy for the last month almost every single day, multiple times a day.  I fell in love and on Monday I told him that I loved him.  I feel completely stupid now but at the same time I laid my cards on the table and isn’t that good?  He told me he cared for me but it is far too soon.  I told him that I hoped I hadn’t scared him off and he said no he was just being honest.  I thanked him for his honesty and he said your welcome thanks for not turning away (i don’t know what this means).  I was upset and it took me awhile to straighten out my emotions and thoughts so that I could be ok with him just caring.  I sent him a couple of texts the rest of that day with no response.  Thirty hours later I sent him a text say “I am not sorry if I am bugging you because I care about you and seeing as I haven’t heard from you in over a day I am worried.  Can you at least tell me if you are alive please.”  Not only had I not heard from him but he had not been on yahoo messenger, myspace or facebook and seeing as he has been having chest pains (he had heart surgery a year ago) I was worried.  He finally responded to me “I’m alive I’m just trying to recover from hurting… it started at work last night.”  I was pissed because I had sent him texts before that that he couldn’t respond too. So I responded with a curt ”good I’m glad.” He came back with a  “Sorry I just feel like shit and haven’t done much.” I asked him if he was going to go to the hospital or see his doctor soon and he said that he had a ct scan on the 15th and there was no point in going before that.  And that was the last I heard from him (still not going on the computer) till later that night when I asked if he was feeling better and he responded with yeah.  I then asked him another question and got no response.  Feeling like a completely stupid person I texted my friend with the hopes that she could get my spirits up.  She told be to not freak out until I talk to him and that it would work out one way or another.  So i decided that I was just going to keep it simple.  The vulnerable part of me wants to erase every part of him from my life but the selfish part of me wants to hold on tight.  So I decided to send him a good night sweet dreams text and then a good morning hope you have a good day text knowing I would probably get no response.  I really just want to ask him if he wants me to stop texting him and leave him alone, because if he does I will.  This really hurts, this not knowing .. Is he avoiding me because I said I love him?  Or is he truly hurting too much to converse with anyone?  So I will continue to send these good night/good morning texts until he tells me to stop even though I just want to give up because I don’t want to be a pest to anyone.  But I can’t bring myself to ask because I don’t want this to be over.  I miss seeing his face… I cant believe that Monday was the last time I would ever talk to him and see his face and I hope that it is not.